Purls of Hope

One Woman's Tale of Woe
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, playwith the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mindfor the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of themedicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom it wasone of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rubthe strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart andpress them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I ammechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stucktogether. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get outthe hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold
wax,"yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around ittight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn'ttoo bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah,fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneakback into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I dropmy panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, Iapply the was strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering theright half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek(Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and bracemyself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, Inotice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Anotherdeep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I maypass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glorythat is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair onit. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see thehair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up onthe toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll runthe hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse thewax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to tortureprisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the onlything worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having themglued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hotwater. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to thebottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone putin the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secretof how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter...
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" Thereis a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but shedoes try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where thewax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughingout loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests Icall the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be thejoke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. Iresort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then tohave your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brainis not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I geta hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfullyremove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief anddespair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So Irecklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could haveamputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......



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